I’ve had my share of relationships. Every guy I dated I thought was the One. I would imagine myself in a white dress walking down the isle, having a family, and enjoying myself with the love of my life. But it turns out there are so many reason why I’m not ready to date.
Growing up I always thought soul mates were supposed to complete one another and make life undeniably exiting. Soul mates were supposed to want to be with each other all the time. They were supposed to want to do everything together and not go a single day without one another. But now that I look back I realize I had a distorted image.
Relationships are not supposed to be a need.
At least, not in the way you may think. I started dating at age 14. I dated for attention. I used relationships as an escape from situations I had to deal with. I thought it was okay to view my relationships as a need. I wanted to focus on something other than what I was going through. It became a distraction. I thought it was normal
I didn’t have a good example of what a true relationship was supposed to look like. I had trouble defining myself as an individual because I went through life mentally attached to people. It wasn’t anyone’s fault other than my own.
For the first time in years I have been single. This is the first time since I was 14 that I have gone months being single.
It was shocking at first. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had been planning out my life attached to someone. I would get married as soon as I could, have children, try to work from home, raise a family, support my husband, etc. I was ready to live the fairy tale dream.
But, as you know. Sometimes things just don’t go as planned. When I became single, I had to re-evaluate things in my life. Everything I had dreamed of was no longer happening. Not with that person; not within the time frame I hoped for.
I had to stop and think. What did I want to do?
It was intimidating to realize I could do whatever I wanted. I was no longer obligated to include someone in my future. I had complete control and could make plans for myself as I wanted. The trouble was finding what I wanted.
Soon enough, my own dreams fell into place. I wanted to learn, to write, to travel. Doors were opened, possibilities became available – things that would be difficult to accomplish in a relationship.
Everything was running smoothly until recently. I started craving attention again. I wanted a relationship. I was alone and lonely. But I had to stop myself in my tracks.
I don’t want a relationship just so I won’t be alone. I don’t want a man to complete me. I want to feel complete before I bring someone into my life. I don’t want to dump my issues onto someone else’s lap and lean on them in areas where I should be independent. I don’t want to use a man as my savior. I already have one.
I’m realizing that I can’t expect myself to be complete with someone in a relationship if I’m not complete as an individual. No person can complete me. Only God can meet those needs in my life. If I were to need an individual as a distraction from my life, then I wouldn’t be living. I don’t want any more distractions. I want to face life head-on on my own, and then maybe with someone.
I don’t want to look at relationships as needs anymore. I don’t want to be with someone because I feel that I need them. I want to be with someone because I want to – because they make me happy, because they’re a joy to be around, because they encourage me to be a better person. But first, I want to find myself as an individual before I find myself in a relationship.