Breaking Out of My Shell

I’m sick.  I’m tired.  I’m dying.

I’m sick of comparing myself to others.  I’m tired of thinking I’m not good enough.  I’m dying from the anxiety, guilt, and fear that creeps in to consume my life over and over again.

This is me saying enough.

Enough bad thoughts crawling into my head.  Enough dictations from anxiousness.  Enough feelings of unworthiness.

I graduated high school having done much and was known for being studious.  College was a culture shock for me.  There were people who had done more than me and had better grades.  It was only human to compare myself to the greatness of fellow students.  I went to three countries?  They toured Europe.  I only spoke English?  They taught themselves German.  The positive vibes enthralled and inspired me, but they also made me look down upon myself.

Since I began college, I’ve always compared.  I wanted to be the best – to stand out.

Enough.

I am breaking out of the trends, appearances, and identities I’ve fallen prisoner to.  I am learning to love myself for who I am – whatever that may be.  Writer, artist, daughter, friend, student.  I realized I would set goals and standards for myself in order to save myself from the judgement of the world.

I choose to set my own standards.  I choose to break the norm.  To let go of my anxieties, my fears, my strongholds and never look back.

Having my own place is a form of healing for me.  What most people don’t know is I got bad anxiety two years ago – my sophomore year of college.  I couldn’t eat around people.  I preferred to stay in bed because it was safe there.  To leave my bed was to leave my safe place and feel unstable.  I couldn’t see old time friends from far away because I was trapped.  I felt physically trapped.  It wasn’t anything I could force to change.  It was a healing process with God at the center.

Here I am two years later saying Enough.

Take that Fear!  I’m out on my own.  I am happy and loving my life without you.IMG_2222

I am breaking free of my shell – in all forms.  With God all things are possible.  I can love myself as I am.  I can set my own pace.  Who cares if I’m not the best?  I am unique.  I am who God made me to be.  I am leaving my mark in this world.  God is in control of my life – only God.  I don’t have to be afraid.  I don’t have to wonder what other people think of me because their opinions don’t matter.  Breaking free means leaving the trap my mind has created for myself and stepping out into new life.  A free life.

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One thought on “Breaking Out of My Shell”

  1. I am so proud of you! I have always been proud of you! But now I admire you for having the courage to be free! Your struggles are like those of many, but who may not be dwelling in the comfort zone to share and be transparent. You cannot reach others and help them in areas that you have not lived in and walked through yourself. When you have overcome, you have earned the right to be heard. Therein lies ministry!!!!
    Love, Mama

    Like

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